I’m not turtley enough for TurtleBoy’s turtle club

Despite warnings from a few friends not to pursue this cause any further, I have to—if just for the sake of getting to laugh my ass off and allowing others to do the same.

Dear TurtleBoy, 

I like the meme of The Lion King. I really do. I laughed for a few minutes at that one.

You’re good at what you do. I appreciate that. You’re a natural-born bullshitter. The fact that you think grammar is useless I find hilarious and will never understand. But I guess some writers just don’t need to use simple writing mechanics when they have as much flash and pizzazz as turtles so often do. I guess I’ll just never compare to someone as wonderfully grandiose and clearly superior as you, TurtleBoy.


Maybe TurtleBoy should come out of his shell and show everyone what he’s really made of. Without the mask of a name, could you really be so crass and ignorant? It’s certainly possible, but I’d like to see you give it a try—unless you’re worried that the flabby, sensitive skin that comes with being a turtle will rip under all the pressure. If you’re too scared, that’s fine too. I mean, you can either survive with the protection of your shell, or you can come on out and tackle the world with your real name and face, like I did. But maybe you aren’t ready for the big leagues yet.

Perhaps one day, in the far distant future, I’ll be turtley enough for TurtleBoy’s turtle club. Although, I don’t think I’ll be sinking back into my shell anytime soon.

Stay golden, TurtleBoy.


H.R. Gordon


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